You Were My Trigger

Relationships can be extremely damaging to a persons mental health. Sometimes while in a relationship, we develop strong attachments to people, insecurities and the constant need for validation. Healthy and unhealthy relationships have impact on our mental state. It is important to have an empathetic, caring, understanding, and uplifting partner. Throughout the relationship, both partners must continue to be each other’s support. 

Unhealthy relationships can leave a distasteful stain on our lives, as well as healthy relationships. Ayesha Curry’s recent statements serve as a great example. Steph and Ayesha’s relationship is great,  and serves as goals in the eyes of most people. Some people would even consider them pure perfection. Although things appear to be great, she battles with insecurities developed by her from her marriage to a celebrity spouse. As we stand on the outside looking into her life, we wish that we had a partnership with someone as God-fearing and compassionate as Stephen. From the inside looking out, she questions her self-worth, beauty and her admiration for the public eye.

A message from “the triggered”: 

I found myself upset every time I saw the slightest mention of anything that involved you. I wasn’t bitter, I didn’t wish any harm or unhappiness upon you but I was indeed angry. I had a million and one questions running through my head time and time again and they all began with WHY. Why did you leave? Why couldn’t we make it work? Why wasn’t I enough? Why did my efforts go unnoticed? These questions played over and over again in my head like a broken record.

Want to know what made it worse? Every time I felt as if I had made some type of real progress, I was set back by an emotional trigger. These triggers immediately sent me back into a deep hole of depression. The realization that we were over, you had moved on and I was here, stuck and alone felt overbearing to deal with at the time. The pain of heartbreak cut deep like a paper cut and it burned every time I was triggered. It was the type of burn that stings —— like when you apply hand sanitizer without realizing you have a paper cut. IT HURTS! 

At the moment, I couldn’t see myself getting through. I couldn’t see myself moving on. Honestly, I didn’t want to but I eventually realized that I had to. I loved you enough to put aside my own selfish desires. When you love someone, you are blinded with a selfish love. A love that is possessive; no matter what has happened, how it’s happening, they’re yours. However, once your blindfold is removed, you are able visualize and operate as selfless lover. Their happiness is the most important factor, even if their happiness does not include you.

The more I accepted reality and detached from fantasies formed by expectations,  the grip on the trigger softened. I slowly developed a new profound strength and a discipline to resist things that once triggered me. When my triggers were tested, I didn’t beat myself up about it. I embraced it. I allotted myself time to hurt, mourn and wonder; to feel. I felt sadness, but refused to let myself stay there long. Getting active and intentional about my healing was the greatest reward, when I felt myself being tested.